I just signed up here as part of my effort to understand the actions of my girl (female) friend - who has a full-blown and worsening case of BDD - of the last few years whom I had fallen terribly in love with more than a year ago, but who seemingly decided that after being confused about her feelings she would stay with the guy she had been with but who did not understand her BDD.
I'm not sure how much of this is due to her BDD and how much has to do with the vicissitudes of love. She's 39, and in her case she feels she needs plastic surgery to make herself look 10 years younger (she already looks very young, and to me she's quite beautiful, though my friends don't see it like I do). I only met her once, in the physical world; it was at Niagara Falls, because I'm not allowed to cross the Canadian border. Even for that she was hours late, but we still managed to spend most of the day together. And we spent upwards of 8 hours a day on the phone together most of the past year, and if not on the phone, email and IM. Once every so often the 'other guy' would call, and she'd say "it's him, let me get rid of him and I'll call you back in about 10 minutes".
I came to know her actually in early 2010, when she stumbled on one of my websites, and unlike many of the other people I'd talk with, she and I were soon on instant messenger constantly, and we talked about everything. At the time, I was going through a break-up with my fiancee of 10 years, and she (the girl I'm talking about, not my fiancee) had an on-again, off-again relationship with a boy on the other side of the country who she'd coax money out of for bus fare and such, and he'd come see her for Christmas. (He had met her at a mental health clinic in LA a few years back.) We chatted and she'd often call me for hours, even then. Later, she drifted away, my fiancee and I broke up and I moved out, and it was many months before I heard from her again.
When I did, as a cc on a broadcast email she'd sent out, I remembered how close we had been and told her that she was my 'dream girl' and if she was still with the other guy, it was better that I not hear from her but wished her well. She wrote back and avoided the issue for some time while we "got up to speed", then told me she felt he had "betrayed" her, because even though he came to live with her in her late mothers' old apartment in Toronto, for a few months anyway before returning to Alberta to await a surgical procedure, he didn't seem to want to understand or help her with her condition, which was worsening.
She had gotten to the point where she avoided almost all social contact, her father and brother harangued her for going on and on in conversation, she felt she had turned very old and was afraid of mirrors so much she covered them all up....these were all things I didn't know of at the time were classic symptoms of BDD, but I soon studied up on them and concluded (I think rightly) that it WAS a thing called BDD. It was ironic that the 'other guy' was always recoiling and complaining of her behavior, even though they had met at a mental health clinic, and she was always complaining to him she needed surgery (and therapy, but that was always an after-thought).
Anyway; after he returned out there, during the summer of 2011, and she had sparked up our correspondence again, we were soon spending most of our days on the phone. By the time he was scheduled to come back east for the holidays, I felt I was 'in too deep', and expressed my feelings. She even kept me on the phone for hours on the very day she had her father and brother go pick him up at the airport; I was worried he would walk through the door while we were talking.
When I told her that, if she felt he had betrayed her, she should just tell him not to bother coming back east.....and I told her that I wanted to be with her, and would do what was necessary. She said "I can't just tell him not to come; it's Christmas, what am I going to say.....that I'd rather spend it with someone else?" And so it went all through the following year.
I think I spent more time with her online or on the phone (when he was out and she could sneak in a call to me), always at her behest, than he spent with her. Yet she always vacillated; she said she "couldn't make up her mind" what she wanted, who she wanted.
Things finally came to a head a few months ago. I finally wrote her father and detailed her BDD condition to him; he'd had no idea and had been insisting she go for a diagnosis, but this she could never seem to do. Yet she knew and accepted what I found out about the condition, and I told her I was even willing to relocate to be with her, live with her and take care of her, make sure she had the proper therapy - which to my mind was love, with lots of listening, understanding, affection, and assurance. She said she'd always needed to feel 'safe', and yet couldn't. No-one seemed to understand her, and she didn't have any friends.
I know if I could have avoided 'falling in love', things might be different, but she encouraged it in me.....encouraged me to call her "Princess", and soon I was sending her very passionate love letters, as her phone calls made me feel very, er, 'orgasmic' as she talked about math (yes, seriously), or so compassionate and sympathetic I wept silently for her....it was a most amazing thing, which I've never found elsewhere on the internet. I still don't know how much of this had to do with her BDD, but I do know she suffered from it, probably couldn't help but accept my affections as she often thanked me for them, yet never reciprocated in-kind (not that I expected it, but I DID expect to be at least respected as a suitor for her affections).
What I didn't know was that, even as she was agreeing to meet me again at the border, "at a McDonald's I guess" she said, she had taken the email I'd sent to her father and forwarded it to the 'official boyfriend', who she apparently wanted to treat her like I did. I felt used and betrayed; I have my own emotional issues, and the one thing I thought was truly private with her - my love-letters - she then shared with him. I had encouraged her not to lie to him, even if it meant not telling him the whole truth, but I'd always point out "what are you doing with me then, rushing him off the phone to call me back? If you love him, why not talk to him?" (she did about 90% of the talking). Maybe she was trying to self-destruct one or both of these relationships, but it was devastating to me.
There's one little important thing. At one point I'd sent her my first digital camera - it was a nice Cybershot, well-made tho a few years old - which she enthusiastically encouraged me to do. I said all I wanted was a picture she'd taken with it, of anything, as I wanted to not only make sure she got it and it worked, but to encourage her to start seeing the beauty of things around her, even just as something to share. She never did, though she finally did send some pictures of her and her apartment - but they were taken with his camera. I pointed that out (she didn't know you can right-click on a pic and it will tell you what kind of camera is used) and asked her again, but she thought all I wanted was new pics of her. She claimed she was too sick from the BDD to go through with even such a simple thing, because it involved "images". I'm not sure if that's likely? even of the view of her balcony, or the furniture etc?
I'd just like to hear - from those of you who read through my whole story - how much of this I can chalk up to BDD, how much to simple "relationship issues", and what if any advice you might have. I haven't spoken to her since then, though I sent a couple of IMs every so often telling her I still loved her despite everything.
Thanks for reading.
Source: http://www.psychforums.com/body-dysmorphic-disorder/topic104219.html
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